19 08 2008

I’m tired in two ways. The first way is literal. I’m literally tired. Some how over this summer vacation I have completely screwed up my sleeping patterns. I’ve been going to bed around 3 a.m. and waking up around noon.

“What’s the big friggin deal?” You may ask, “I go to bed at 4 a.m. and half to wake up at 4:21 a.m. Then I have to go out, catch a fish, prepare the fish, and then feed the fish to my eleven children by 5 a.m. YOU HAVE NO REASON TO COMPLAIN!”

To that I say a few things-

1. Impressive.
2. Who in the “H” are you that you have a routine like that?
3. Can Disney Channel make a Made For TV Musical about you and your wisecracking, full of potential children who are only living off a dream that their mother inspired when she used to rock them to sleep at night–blah blah blah.

Where was I? Oh right! The reason this is such a dilemma for me is now my body has gotten so used to sleeping in and such that I can’t even feel tired until 3 a.m. I’m about to start college soon (yuck). I’m going to have to wake up around 7 a.m. every morning. I can barely do that when I’m getting 10 hours of sleep. It’s so hard for me to wake up! How in the world am I going to do it with my super-screwed body clock?!

The remedy: tonight I’m going to Doc Brown this body clock (Doc Brown being the inventor of the time machine in Back to the Future…I’m only explaining this pop culture reference, you’re on your own for the rest) by not sleeping for a while. I’ll take away what my body wants most (besides a companion…I’m so lonely) and when I finally decided to give it to it, my body will happily take it any time, any place (I swear that could have been worded better).

As I mentioned at the beginning, I’m tired in two ways. The other way is such:

I. Am. Tired. Of. The. Olympics.

I never found myself to be a fan of the competition, and now that all my friends are super fans I find myself on the complete opposite side of the spectrum. The more I hear, the more I hate. The more I see, the more I want Michael Phelps to be eaten by a pool shark (play on FRIGGIN words!!!!). I can’t wait until the derrrn’ thing is over. I can’t wait, indeed.


Get Breaked-ed

17 08 2008

Season 3 DVDs of “Prison Break” the “hit” FOX “drama” “show” is hitting shelves soon. There’s something wrong with this show. I’m sure there are a lot of things wrong with this show, but I’ve never seen a full episode so I only really know about one.

Now, here’s the premise (or at least the premise for the first episode…I think): A man’s brother finds himself in jail, so the man decides to get himself arrested so he can be in the same jail, so he can break his brother out. Sound kind of cool, right? Well like I said, that’s the first episode, and I’m pretty sure the guy breaks his brother out of the prison (gets him…prison break-ed…prison broked…out…of prison….break) half way through the first season. And now season 3 is coming out on dvd.

As much as I can gather: from half way through season 1 up to season 3 the two brothers have been getting themselves sent to jail again, and then breaking themselves out…again…and again…for 2 and half more seasons. And now season 4 is going to be start soon. Want to guess what’s going to happen?

Also, what does this say about our prison system? How can these two guys keep breaking out of different prisons?!

LOST and the Losing of Other Things

16 08 2008

Season 5 of Lost begins in February of next year. That’s too long. Every time I look at a calender I feel like someone is making up months just to make February farther away. Who’s ever heard of “September,” anyways?

Lost resumes filming on the 18th of August. I’m sure most of you really don’t care, but I do. LOST (the more I say it, the more I realize how important the show is to me…that’s why I decided to caps lock it from now on) is the greatest show on earth, in my humble (and more right) opinion (than yours).

There’s something about it that has truly affected the way I view television, and writing, and living, and acting. It’s a weird thing. Half the time I watch the show I get that “I could write this!” feeling and suddenly jump to the ol’ typing machine (my laptop). The other half I watch, I want to crawl into a corner and let my “writing fingers” and my creativity to die. “What gives me the write (play on words!!!)?” I guess it’s the same sort of feeling Drew talked about in THIS BLOG…..at least the last part. The part with the guy at the….just read it.

Short Scene in Hospital

15 08 2008

I don’t want to say the phrase “I’m a writer” because I think it makes me look like a jerk. I like to write (that’s better), and sometimes I need to take my small ball of creativity for a ride by writing something…anything, really. So today I decided to write a scene. Read it or don’t. Whatevs.

A man walks into one of the Hospital’s private rooms. His name is Brett and he looks very concerned for the man laying in the bed. He’s badly bruised. Stitches line his left cheek, the kind of stitches that will leave cool scars in a month or so. The man lying in the bed goes by Peter.

Brett: What happened?

Peter: I flipped my car.

Brett: Why? How? Was it a lady driver?

Peter: What?

Brett: A lady driver. Some stupid house wife driving 30 in a 50, taking her sweet time while on the phone with her mother-in-law–

Peter: Brett?

Brett: –trying to sort out some sort of family crisis–

Peter: Hey!

Brett: –that will most likely end in a messy divorce between herself and her estranged husband.

Peter: BRETT!

Brett: What?

Peter: Shut up.

Brett: Right.

Brett takes a seat in one of those cheap, uncomfortable chairs by Peter’s bed. There is a brief silence that Brett can’t stand.

Brett: Squirrel?

Peter: No! It wasn’t a squirrel that made me flip.

Brett: Then what? Cars don’t just flip for no good reason. We’ve got laws to prevent that sort of thing.

Peter: What laws?

Brett: Not real laws. Laws of gravity. Science stuff.

Peter: Right.

Brett: Well?

Peter: Well what?

Brett: Why’d you crash?

Peter: I don’t want to tell you, you’ll think I’m stupid.

Brett: No I won’t.

Peter: Trust me.

Brett: Come on!

Peter: No!

Brett: Fall asleep at the wheel?

Peter: No.

Brett: Saw a UFO?

Peter: No.

Brett: Ninjas?

Peter: What? NO!

Brett: Then what?!

Peter: MUSIC!


Peter: You happy now?

Brett: Music?

Peter: Yeah.

Brett: What does that mean?

Peter: (sigh) I was listening to this really good song and I just…felt compelled.

Brett: What was the song about?

Peter: I’m not sure, but the singer sounded really angry.

Brett: Yeah?

Peter: He’s screams “Brian” a whole bunch.

Brett: Really?

Peter: I guess he was mad at Brian, and that made me mad at Brian.

Brett: That’s weird.

Peter: Mad enough at Brian that I sped up my car pulled a hard turn.

Brett: Wow.

Peter: Music is a strange thing.

Brett: If you’re a crazy person, it is.

Peter: What’s that suppose to mean?

Brett: Not everyone gets compelled to wreck their car just because some stranger with a guitar screams another man’s name through their speakers.

Peter: Right.

Brett: Now get some rest.

Peter: Where are you going?

Brett: I’m going to your apartment and burning all your CDs.

Poop, Money, and Porn

8 08 2008

The only two times the phrase “I hope this flushes” isn’t funny-

1. You hear it at your house.
2. You’re the one saying it.

I haven’t posted in a while if you haven’t noticed. You probably didn’t notice. You’re probably too busy reading REAL blogs written by people who get paid to blog. What kind of job is that, anyway? How does someone even get that job? They were probably already “blogging” before the pay checks started rolling in, so why fix a fine working machine? That upsets me. I want to get paid to put words in a certain semi-humorous order that in long paragraphs spell out a rant [this being a perfect example!].

I’ve been playing a lot of Monopoly lately. The game was invented during the Great Depression by Mr. Money Bags (AKA The Monopoly Guy) to make poor people feel better about themselves by letting them buy streets and property they lived near. Hooray false hope!

Here’s a quote I need to share before you go jumping to conclusions:

“Rock n’ Role is the new pornography.”
-Some angry mustached man from the 1950’s.

Funny quote, right? Right. Agree with me. All of you. All of you agree with me so I can start getting paid to do this.

Anyways, some other group of guys and gals liked that quote so much that they named their band The New Pornographers. I really like the New Pornographers.

You see now? If I didn’t give you that quote at the start you would have been jumping to conclusions so quickly that passer-bys would confuse your legs for pogo sticks. “Taylor likes porn!??!!??!”

Go check out the band. Also look up and read the title to this blog if you didn’t before you started. You can’t get funnier than that! (yes you can)

The Power of the Fridge

27 07 2008

The sound of the soda exploding was much louder in person. Like a friggin gunshot!

Remembering What’s Good and What’s Bad

26 07 2008

Earlier this evening I was enjoying a romping game of Call of Duty for with a few of my mates (note: I do not actually talk like this). It’s always fun to play Call of Duty 4 with a group of friends because it always separates the Men from the girls. Seriously, while all the guys are hovering around the TV oozing out ecstatic testosterone¬† the girls at the party are sitting in the corner of the room seeping out angry estrogen (seriously, I don’t talk like this).

There were only two girls at this “party,” and since one of them was dating my best friend that meant there was only one real girl. The two of them noticed I had my MAC with me (what they should have been noticing was the fact that I always have my MAC with me…always). They asked if they could see it and maybe watch some of the videos I had downloaded in iTunes. I pointed them in the direction of several episodes of How I Met Your Mother, a hilarious sitcom.

Now, the phrase “hilarious sitcom” rarely finds its way out of my mouth or fingers (when blogging or communicating with the deaf), but this show seriously is. It looks like like a regular “Two and a Half Men” or “Everybody Loves Raymond” but it isn’t. It’s so much more. It’s a real show.

As they watched a few episodes I split my attention so I could focus on losing at Call of Duty and also hear what’s going on in the episode. Good lord that show is funny. How could have possibly forgotten how funny that show was?

The reason:
For the past two and a half weeks I have done nothing but watched the X-Files. If I wasn’t at home or eating I was watching the nine seasons of the hit sci-fi series in order to prepare myself for the movie. I know I’m going to get really side tracked with this X-Files talk, but I need to get it out of my system.

First of all, the show could have ended at it’s seventh season. Everything was answered and we were all happy. From that point on there was hardly any overlying story arc. We knew everything we needed to know about the friggin aliens! This is why LOST is such a great show. People may complain that they’re never answering our questions, or when they do they add a million more questions to the list, but thank God they do. If they didn’t we would know everything way before the ending of the show and we might lose interest. LOST is rocks (podcast reference).

Second of all, the new movie X-Files: I Want to Believe came out this weekend. Naturally, I went to the midnight showing wearing my X-Files t-shirt that I bought just for the occasion. The movie had absolutely nothing to do with aliens, but that’s all right with me. Only a third of the actual TV series did, so that’s alright. The movie worked like a very long and very very well done episode of the show. It was a lot of fun and dealt with God, so that’s always fun.

Right, back to “party” event at my friends house. After a little more Duty Callings (Call of Duty 4) we decided to sit down and watch a movie. Not any movie, mind you, but WARRIORS of the WASTELAND. Sometimes when I hang out with my friends I wonder why we chose to watch terrible movies over watching great movies.

WARRIORS of the WASTELAND is one of those movies you own but never realized it. I’m pretty sure the only way you can buy it is in one of those $5 bundles of 20 sci-fi movies they sell in the bargain section of Target (or at least that’s how I got a hold of it). My dad loves buying those packs. We have at leas ten of them.

The only way you can fully understand how bad this movie is is by watching it, but since you probably never will, let me explain the plot.

PLOT: The apocalypse has occurred. Earth is a wasteland. A gang of gay men who call themselves the Templar roam about on their motor bikes and their future cars and find Christians and women and kill them. Our hero, Scorpion fights the Templar as they attempt to kill a small group of innocent people led by a priest. At one point in the movie (I’m not even joking) the Templar catch Scorpion and tell him they are going to put him through their “initiation.” Which, of course, means the leader of the Templar ties him up and rapes him.

It’s a bizarre movie, let me tell you. Picture Mad Max plus giant anti-gay overtones. The funniest part is that you don’t know that the Templar are gay until the rape scene. You just think they’re evil!

That’s it for me. Tomorrow I get to go see Ron White live, because of someone else’s birthday! WOO!